Reluctant Surrender

Aug 20, 2023 | by The Fellowship

For nearly two years, I have felt the Lord telling me that my husband and I would have another child, that our family of four was not yet complete. My response each time was, "Ok, I hear You, but I am not ready." After nearly losing my life from complications during my second delivery, I was less than eager to walk that road again. In fact, I was terrified! 

While in a Bible study last fall, I was posed with the question: "What part of your life are you not surrendering to the Lord?" I knew again God was asking me to surrender the decision of another child. With incredible reluctance and no enthusiasm, I eventually said, "OK."

But only two weeks later, I watched the pregnancy test turn positive … and I sobbed. I had so much fear and anxiety about pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum; the dread was overwhelming me. Knowing what was coming, I felt trapped. I concealed the pregnancy as long as possible since I knew how difficult it would be to hold back the tears every time someone congratulated me. My sorrow over being pregnant made me feel guilty and like a terrible mom.

Because of all my emotional pain, I was surprised by the supportive response I received after announcing the pregnancy. People prayed for me, for my physical safety and emotional peace, and offered to lend an ear.  Some with previous unplanned pregnancies told me their stories and offered hope.

As my pregnancy progressed, there were complications. It seemed like every time I had an appointment, we received more bad news. Again, our church surrounded us in prayer.

A little over a month before my due date, I was transferred to a high-risk specialist. I had no control over what was happening to my body, the baby, or my care -- I had to completely surrender everything to the Lord. However, my new doctor happened to be one of the best Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors in the Houston area. God was moving in our situation!

One of the main concerns was that the baby would not get enough healthy red blood cells due to an antibody in my blood. He had to be checked every five to seven days, and each test showed he was unaffected and doing great. God protected him.

I still had a lot of fear regarding the delivery and postpartum since I was high risk for so many things. When I was telling this to a friend, she said, “If God called you to it, He will see you through it.” I had only heard this expression one other time in my life, and it was about 2½ years prior when I met a woman who nearly died from the same complications as mine while delivering her first child. She told me about going on to have four more children! I asked her how she managed to get over the fear of delivering again and her response was, “If God calls you to it, He will see you through it.” So upon hearing the phrase again, while just a few weeks away from my due date, I knew God was reminding me that this was always His plan … and that He has been by my side the entire time.

But when I went into labor and was told a C section would be needed (the baby was sideways and at risk for cord prolapse, which is fatal to the baby), I was crushed. Knowing we were covered in prayer; this was not the outcome I wanted or expected. However, I knew that because of the prayers, this was the best option. I was at high risk for some serious complications, all of which were avoided or mitigated with the C section.

I had concerns about not bonding with the baby and about my underlying feelings that he was unwanted. But when I heard him cry upon delivery and they placed him in my arms, I only felt joy. This was my beloved son.

Recovery from surgery has been painful and slow, but we have been so blessed with help.  Church friends set up a meal train for us with people providing meals for three weeks! We are humbled by the generosity and love.

The Lord had an incredible gift for my husband and me and our two daughters. Despite my dread and fear, His love and faithfulness never wavered.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

T. P.

I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth
I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.  
I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.
Psalm 89:1-2