In the Hands of God

Mar 17, 2024 | by The Fellowship

My story began 50+ years ago when I was born into a family constantly undergoing trauma.  My parents did the best they could, but the only example they showed was their continuing, worldly reaction to trauma.

I became a Christian after turning 20.  For years, I have been waiting for God to release some of the pressure and stress that continued to plague me because of the environment in which I grew up. Anxiety and depression were a constant struggle. I give all glory to God that through counseling I began to be able to live victoriously.

When marriage came to a Christian man, I was very thankful.  We desired to have a family, but infertility plagued us.  God allowed us to adopt two preteen boys from Ethiopia. Never did we expect the great anger and pain that they brought with them.  I constantly asked God if we had done the right thing by adopting them. The ongoing traumas were very reminiscent of what I had been raised in, and I was not prepared to handle it -- but God gave me grace.  He reminded me of how I had overcome my past and could be used as a conduit to help them do the same. Desperate prayer was our norm. Miraculously, both graduated from high school. But the traumatic incidents were far from over.

The most horrific trial came nearly a year ago when our special needs, 20-year-old son physically hurt me yet again and I called the police, wanting them to take him for mental evaluation. The police would not believe my husband about what had happened … and I went to jail overnight. That single moment plummeted me back to my childhood trauma and fractured my job, my finances, my marriage, my physical health, my identity, and my emotional health.

What happened as a result reminds me of some words from the song “Defender:”

“When I thought I lost me,
You knew where I left me;
You reintroduced me to Your love,
You picked up all my pieces,
Put me back together,
You are the defender of my heart.”

Though I felt like a failure as a wife, mom, and if I were to be honest, a Christian, God never abandoned me. I am so very grateful for the support groups that continued to point me to Christ in my darkest moments -- especially when I was separated from my husband for a while.  I received assistance from more than 50 people who helped me through this season. Trauma therapy brought me out of the darkness with much prayer. I can honestly say I am stronger now because every day - no matter how dark, I have made the choice to press into God with some simple questions: God, what is my next step? How do I walk with integrity? What is being triggered? What is the truth to the lie? What is Your perspective? Through it all, I have learned how to live in the moment and accept myself for who I am -- brokenness and all.

Additionally, I have practiced every FaithWalking tool learned in the past three years.  I now know my value and worth in Christ like never before. I walk in freedom, knowing whatever challenge I encounter, God gives me the strength to bounce back.

My story is about resiliency. God has created a quiet strength and confidence that man cannot take away. I have practiced my boundary muscles well and found true joy -- not happiness based on circumstances. 

Our son has been in a mental health facility for nearly a year. I am hopeful one day he will recover from his eating disorder and mental health challenges.  Though we lifted every stone to get him help, his struggles are larger than our capacity to handle. Our other son has moved out and is thriving while living on his own. God restored both my marriage and my job. What I am most grateful for is that our sons have a relationship with Christ. They are both in the hands of their Heavenly Father.

So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ,
act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. 
Colossians 3:1-2  MSG