Beautifully Broken

Oct 23, 2022 | by The Fellowship

As a child, I was obsessed with being perfect! This particular obsession stemmed from my desire for praise and gratification. I sought affirmation everywhere, particularly from my parents, and made every decision based on how much praise I thought I would receive from others.  I loved the feeling I got when others told me they were proud or impressed with me.

For a while, I was able to maintain what I thought was a perfect life. I was the perfect student, making straight A’s, and determined to win every competition possible.  I won numerous awards and excelled in almost everything I did. However, perfection brought pressure that slowly began to cook deep inside of me. 

When I went away to college, the illusion of being a perfect person continued. There I met a guy that my parents considered the ideal young man. We began dating and then got engaged – though I did not love him. The pressure that was slowly cooking inside of me began to boil.  My choices were either to give up my perfect life and leave my fiancé or continue this fake perfect life with someone I was not in love with. During this time, I discovered that a secret life was also possible!  With a bit of deception, when necessary, I began toxic partying and drinking.  For a long time, my parents, relatives, long-time friends, and my fiancé still thought I was Miss Perfection.

Then one day I confided about my double life to a girl who took videos of my secret activities and sent them out to mutual acquaintances.  From there, it went viral.  I was exposed!  Everyone found out!  My parents were so disappointed, my fiancé felt betrayed, and my long-time friends sympathized with him and dropped me.  Suddenly, I was all alone and isolated.

Because of COVID, my college courses were online, so my parents insisted that I move home.  It was a very dark time, and I was extremely lonely.  To stay in shape, I began running a couple of miles a day, listening to rap or rock music all the while.  I happened to see a Facebook post by my mom’s friend about what joy she derived from listening to Christian music and spending time with God.  Feeling desperate and alone, I decided to give Christian music a shot during one of my runs. That run was the most awe-inspiring and transforming experience of my life. As I ran, I felt God’s supernatural peace and love surround me and felt at one with nature. It was at that moment that Jesus became my Savior and Lord. My family and friends had all left me stranded, but Jesus was there ready to pick up all my broken pieces. I stopped chasing after perfection and sought Him in everything I did.

That was the fall of 2020, and my life became God-centered.  I began reading devotionals and fell in love with Worship music. But the rejection of my family and friends was still on-going. I was on this amazing journey with Jesus by myself, but I wanted to find someone to share this journey with. Due to some bad experiences at churches in the past, I had a preconceived notion that Christians were judgmental. For this reason, I was hesitant to seek community in Christ.

After a month at home, I returned to college and met a guy that I was immediately attracted to.  He had been raised not only in the church, but also in Christian schools.  Knowing so much about the Bible, he shared stories and taught me about the truths in Scripture and how historical facts fit into the picture.  He also opened up to me about his flaws, showed me all of his scars, and was vulnerable with me. Best of all, he did not judge me for my past mistakes and played a pivotal role in my Christian growth. He changed my preconceived notion about Christians and showed me that there is beauty in brokenness. We fell in love and got married.

Fast forward to Katy where we now live with our little daughter.  Praying for the Lord to lead us to the right church, I began a search on Google.  The Fellowship caught my attention, and we decided to visit.  From our first time to attend, we felt this church was real and authentic. Everyone there genuinely cared about us and welcomed us with open arms. I felt a calling from the Lord to commit and be involved in growing this body of believers.

But there was one step of faith that I had not yet taken – baptism! Last Sunday, Pastor Brian baptized me after first service.  While I had already made my personal commitment to Christ a few years ago, I wanted to get baptized around a community of people who would help me grow in my relationship with Christ. I am so blessed to have found such a loving and authentic community at The Fellowship.

Through this incredible Journey, I have learned that seeking perfection is incredibly unfulfilling. Before God turned my life around, I was simply broken. After He came into my life, I became beautifully broken. God took all of my flaws and scars and used them for good according to His purpose. If you are feeling like you are too broken, scarred, or not enough, I can assure you that you are much more than enough. You are one of God’s beautifully broken creations, and He has big plans for you, too!

L. J.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18