A Slow Fade

Aug 13, 2023 | by The Fellowship

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray.
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid -
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.
It’s a slow fade.

For the most part, I have always considered myself a ‘black and white’ individual regarding values, beliefs, and actions. These lyrics from a great Casting Crowns song are so true … the lines blurred, black and white turned to gray … and almost destroyed my marriage.

Many years ago, I found myself in a personal slump … sort of like a mid-life crisis. I did not feel good about myself. I needed to lose a few pounds, but I was dragging my feet. Most of us never want to ‘work out’ because the process can be so difficult to turn into a routine. My husband has always been complimentary and encouraging. He has always adored me … and loved me just the way I was.

And then … I met him.

There was a new employee at my work who caught my eye and vice versa. I had feelings like an infatuated teenager. With increased energy, I was excited to go to work each day and determined how to find time to chat. Suddenly, I was eager to lose weight. With little appetite and increased determination, almost 30 pounds was gone in no time. I felt good about myself – and the extra attention received. One thing led to another – and over time, this relationship proceeded to an extent that was wrong on all levels.

On the home front, I thought I was doing a pretty good job handling this relationship as well as my relationship with my husband and my kids. But my husband knows me so well – and he knew something was different. However, he could not put his finger on it … yet. 

Not long after, the bottom fell out when I received an early morning call from his wife (yes, he was married) asking questions about the relationship. I assured her she was completely wrong, and we were just friends. Then my husband had so many questions … which, of course, were answered with a complete denial on my part.

The next few days were difficult – trying to spin the lies in my head to keep everything straight. I knew this was wrong … I betrayed God, my husband, our wedding vows. My husband would be absolutely devastated. Would he leave me? What would I do? Where would the children go? I was literally scared and sick, anxious for the future because of my actions.

John 1:9 reassured me: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  I knew that God would forgive me … but would my husband? As difficult as it was going to be, I had to tell the truth … I could not keep up with the lies. 

When my husband came home after work, I had to confess.  Through lots and lots of tears, I shared my sin and apologized profusely for betraying him. I remember him sitting, listening, and asking a few questions. I tried to explain that it truly was nothing that he did or did not do … it was all on me and my own personal crisis. 

At some point, he headed toward the door and quietly stood there for a while. I kept waiting for him to curse at me, scream at me, and slam the door on his way out. I thought for sure he was gone … but his reaction was so surprising.  He came back to the couch and wrapped his arms around me … and we cried together. Because he came from a divorced family, he did not want that for his family, for our family … and he wanted to teach and show the children about true love and forgiveness.

The next step was difficult – my husband made me share this information with our children – one in junior high and one in high school.  Our youngest did not completely grasp the situation – but our oldest understood, and he comforted me just like his father did.

That was almost 15 years ago. Forgiveness has completely restored our marriage … God has blessed our marriage and it is better than ever! It has been a rocky road to say the least. Rebuilding trust is certainly not an easy task.  What took so many years to build was destroyed in a matter of minutes. Little things can bring back the insecurities that I created in my husband’s mind … and despite reassurances on my part, the healing was a long, slow process. On a personal level, despite knowing that I have been forgiven by so many – sometimes the enemy reminds me of my guilt and the pain that I have caused, and then I have difficulty forgiving myself … all over again. But I must hold tight to the knowledge and reassurance that our almighty God has forgiven me.

Each and every day, confess your sins and pray that our Savior will protect you from the slow fade.

Repent, therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out …
Acts 3:19