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A Better Place

    Jun 20, 2021 | by The Fellowship

    On a Monday several weeks ago, I had plans to go to my OB/Gyn’s office for a 12-week ultrasound and checkup. Blood work was also scheduled to find out our baby’s gender. I walked in alone -- as I had the previous four weeks and would be for the next two weeks until my husband returned from an international business trip.  But that was no big deal, we thought, because this was just a routine checkup.

    The ultrasound tech starts scanning on my belly, but she was having a difficult time getting a clear image. So an internal ultrasound was needed. That is when we saw the baby on the monitor.  Our baby was supposed to be at12 weeks, but the tiny body was only measuring 8 weeks 5 days. And there was deafening silence due to the lack of rhythmic heartbeat on the monitor.

    Later on when doing the math, I realized our baby’s heart stopped beating on Easter Sunday. I remember every single detail about that weekend: going to a family Good Friday gathering, being at the church carnival on Saturday with our three-year-old son, decorating eggs at home, and waiting to see what the Easter Bunny would bring. Then, of course, the Easter church service!

    I had zero indication that anything at all was wrong! Not that day and not for the next three weeks and some days later. My body was holding on to this baby and not letting my brain register that something was wrong.

    On Wednesday, I spent the morning at the hospital and interacted with a surgical nurse who does not work for my doctor nor is involved in this line of work.  But she spoke up when I told her what brought me there. She said something that instantly felt like a light shining on me -- like a heavenly hug! “There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. Even if you heard your baby’s heartbeat a few weeks ago, your baby was already sick. If the baby could have grown to term and was brought into this world, he/she would still be sick, but now would also be in so much pain!  God never wants that,” she said.

    I was so broken, but never even attempted to get angry with God.  My only reaction was, “Why me? Am I not a good enough mother? Do I sin too much? Am I being punished?”

    Then I realized that by taking the focus off of myself and onto my baby, it all makes sense. This child had some sort of biological problem. I would have loved my child unconditionally, but his/her life would be filled with much pain and illness! God had a better place for my child!

    Did that realization make it easier on me right then when everything was still so fresh? Absolutely not!  I cried the entire time I wrote this, but it felt good to tell the whole story and ask The Fellowship Prayer Team to lift-up those I love the most.

    I wanted prayers for the sweet baby I never met -- and that he or she found grandparents waiting to give loving care.  I wanted my husband to be lifted-up as he was carrying an unimaginable amount of guilt for being away and unable to come back in time. Our families were taking care of me, but he lost his child, too, and had to suffer alone on a different continent with no one to comfort him.  I wanted others to pray for our children who lost their sibling: my 13-year-old stepdaughter, my 11-year-old stepson, and my three-year old son. My preschooler knew I was pregnant, but he would forget about it as soon as it was no longer discussed. I was much more worried about the other two. They were incredibly involved in the anticipation and the discussion. When most families go through a situation like this, their children are usually young enough to not need explanation. The situation is quite different with teens/preteens, and they took it extremely hard!

    The loving arms of Jesus were wrapped around us as prayers were lifted to Him.  He warned that in this life, we would have trouble, but promised to always be with us … no matter what.  Blessed be His Name!

    A Grieving Mom

    … God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 
    Hebrews 13:5

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