Grief was my gateway to God. My husband and I had been together for 36 years when he passed away four months ago. During our entire marriage, we never attended church together — except for the day of our wedding.
My husband stated that he was Agnostic. Any time religion was mentioned, it was not spoken of favorably. He often talked about "having" to go to church when he was younger … and that was definitely not something he was interested in. So, being the loyal wife, I just went along with it. Even though I always believed in God, I did not have a relationship with Him.
About six years ago, my husband started getting sick. It was just one thing after another. I found myself praying a lot and asking others for prayers as well. But I never told him because I did not think he would approve. As his health got worse, I prayed even more! But again, it was my secret. I was so afraid of his reaction. He would think I was being ridiculous, silly, or even brainwashed. How could I possibly believe all those "Bible Thumpers" as he called them? I started feeling like a "closet Christian,” praying in private and not letting my husband see.
And then it was December. My husband was admitted to the hospital. The bad news came that his liver was failing. The only way he could survive was with a liver transplant.
The next day he had to be sedated and incubated. So, for a week, it was basically just me waiting to see if he got approved, waiting to see if there was a donor, waiting … waiting … waiting. I felt so alone because my husband was unconscious and could not talk to me about it.
Approval was granted, a donor found, and the transplant was begun. But the surgeon came out of the operating room to tell me that they could not continue … there was too much damage. He said I had "decisions to make.”
I felt like my world had just ended. Never leaving the hospital, I stayed by my husband’s bed … feeling totally helpless. Thirty-three hours later, while I held his hand, my husband breathed his last. I felt completely alone. And yet, I was not. Within seconds of him passing, I knew that the Lord was with me. A sense of calm came over me.
Before leaving the hospital, I went to the chapel and thanked the Lord for allowing him to pass peacefully without ever knowing what happened, without ever having to worry and wait. He was not conscious for any of it.
There is a saying: "When God is all you have … God is all you need!” In that moment, I knew I needed God. I never questioned why my husband had to die or why God took him. Instead, I realized that I had been put in his life to make it better. And I believe I did. But I also felt that God must have another purpose for me. And so my question was "What's next?” instead of “Why?” "What is it that You want me to do?"
The next thing I did was order a Bible (and a guide) — because I had never read it. If I was going to build a relationship with God, trying to understand Him and His Word seemed necessary.
I prayed for guidance. For God to put people in my path to help guide me. I also decided from that day forward, every day I would find something to be grateful for and something to bring me joy. Each morning, I begin my day by thanking Him for my home, my pets who smother me with their love, my classroom of precious children.
Just three weeks after the death of my husband, I researched and found a GriefShare group that meets at The Fellowship. Among the participants are two wonderful ladies who invited me to their Bible Study. There I was introduced to many Christian women and found a church home for the first time in 40 years. How uplifting it was to celebrate Easter in a beautiful service of rejoicing!
Losing my husband has brought a tsunami of grief and an overwhelming amount of legal and business details to handle. But it has allowed me to begin my walk with the Lord and to face the future with hope. I know He is guiding me always … and will never leave me.
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear …
for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.
He will not leave you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
